What I Want

February 23rd, 2015

What I Will Get

As a girl, hold on scratch that, as a young adult almost half way done with second-semester freshmen year I want to make a quick mark in what I want. I have heard a lot of what I should need and what I should be doing to set myself up for my best future. As some of you may now from previous posts I’m a community college girl, glamorous I know. I’m also in league with about 40% of America. That was not what I aspired to when I was growing up, to be like a majority of other people, but like many of the decisions I have made in the past 12 months I really believe that was a good one. I’ve already written way too much looking for personal validation this isn’t about what I have this is what I want.

First off, I want to be right but even more than I like to be right I like to be wrong. It might sound weird at first but stay with me. Yes, there is an instant gratification about knowing the answer, especially when you prove someone else wrong but when someone proves me wrong it gets me thinking. That’s another thing on my list I want to think more, lots more. If thinking was a major I would switch to it. I like debating, not arguing, debating. I like when other educated people, and not just academically educated, also worldly people and real life people the ones who have been working for 15+ years and know exactly what they are talking about. Some of the best people to talk to aren’t those who stand center stage because let’s face it the crowd is always in the dark so really they have a career in taking to themselves. Don’t break the fourth wall tends to continue even after curtain.

My next want is for someone to start a real conversation with me right away. We have this society with an honest idealism but when it really comes to talking we cover up the truth with pixie dust and sugar covered white lies. At first, we can even rationalize with, they don’t know me’s and it’s for their protection, but let’s be honest lies are never for the other person’s protection. We are protecting ourselves from facing the truth. I don’t like walks on the beach or strolling slowly under the stars while some metaphoric soundtrack plays in my head. I don’t want someone to ask my father before the proposed to me and I certainly don’t want the white picket fence ideal.

What I want is to eat PB&J sandwiches at midnight and cold spaghetti & meatballs for breakfast.

I want to fidget around all day long procrastinate until 11 PM and then get everything on my to-do list done by 1 AM. I want to lay in bed with someone I care about and then get a grand idea rushing to god knows where just to turn around with that person holding my car keys, paper, and some pencils that I probably though I lost (I’m still clumsy even in fantasy land, I really like that about myself) so we can go capture the clouds as they drift upstate. I want that person running to catch up and have no idea where my plan will take us but trusts me so completely they just go along, to love me so much to see the worldly wonder in my eyes.

I want to dance on the soil of every country in the world to music so amazing it makes the grumpiest old man crack a smile. The feeling of freedom to spin in circles until the world starts spinning with me.

I want to close my eyes for a moment and realize I’m 85 years old and that I’ve had the grandest adventure throughout my life. From laughing with my little sister over silly last minute photo shoots to my brothers first home run ball in the big leagues (even if the big leagues only end up being family games every summer). I want to see my older brother one day marry the women of his dreams and maybe even catch the flowers. I want to see both of my little brothers who seem to think they are a step out of sync with the rest of the world make everyone else walk at their pace.  I want to see myself in all their eyes because man if I could look at myself they way they look at me maybe I wouldn’t feel so scared of everything.

But most of all, to look through old photo albums and laugh at the memories from growing up, and I don’t mean until college is over. You never really stop growing up do you? But like they say I’m only 18 what do I know what I want.

So that’s it my lovelies no long walks on the beach or shining princes with stone castles, what do you want… really?


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