July 9th, 2015
Forgive without Forgetting
(Disclaimer – This does not apply in all situations, there are toxic people who should not be forgiven, These people belong in our past and keeping them in our present and allowing them in our future will only cause personal pain. This is simply a collection of thoughts regarding someone I want to one day fully forgive. I was thinking heavily on this topic while driving and I just needed to collect my thoughts into words)
It is easy to disregard someone who has hurt you, to say you don’t care about them and to numb all feeling towards them. Disregard and not caring are passive concepts. No effort is given to do these things and they most definitely do not improve you as a person. I have a person in my life who I have to make the conscious effort every day to forgive, it takes effort to have this person in my life, it takes work.
There was a time in my life when it was healthier and safer for you not to be in it, but as I get older I realize I want you in my life. The problem with having you in my life is you continuously repeat previous actions. You react to situations in a predictable fashion.
To pick up the phone and speak to you is a small act of forgiveness, to allow you into my life is an act of forgiveness. Every birthday card and hand written note, many that go forever unsent sitting in a box under my bed are all acts of forgiveness. I compile small acts of forgiveness to you over long periods of time.
In some situations, it feels as if I am almost ready to completely trust you again and you give me another reason to pull away. You have never changed your ways, you have always acted this way.
There have been times when I felt like I should be apologizing to myself for giving you chance after chance. The nights I can’t sleep and the days I can’t breathe because all I think about is separating myself from you.
There are also days when think of one good memory and then another and another like dominos. If forgiveness is an active concept then I will continue to choose active over passive behavior because in the end despite all else I feel my life is better with you in it.